We Can’t Control It
| This month we continue our discussion on the 3 C’s of addiction: We didn’t Cause it We can’t Control it We can’t Cure it So far we’ve learned that addiction is a family disease, meaning that everyone connected to the person suffering from addiction is affected physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And since it’s a disease, we didn’t cause it – there is nothing we did or didn’t do that caused our loved one to become addicted. This month we’re focusing on the point that we can’t control the disease of addiction. The book “How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics” describes it like this: “Even though we might admit we didn’t cause the drinking, on another level we may still feel responsible. Although we try everything, the alcoholics still drink. We attempt anything that makes sense and much that doesn’t. Yet we refuse to give up because we feel it makes us look weak and out of control – there must be something else we can do. The only thing we didn’t do was give up. When we finally surrendered, we realized that we were only giving up our futile struggle against an incurable disease. Then we were free to focus on what we could do something about, rather than trying to change what we couldn’t.”* In our efforts to control our loved one’s substance use, we try all sorts of things – most of which are not very effective. We do things like: pouring out drinks, flushing drugs, hiding car keys, arguing, begging, complaining, threatening, and monitoring behaviours. But “mostly we’ve hurt and we’ve worried.”** “Whatever methods families choose to try to control the addict – and most of us try them all at one time or another – their efforts rarely produce the positive results they so desperately seek. What’s more, by focusing so intently on their addicted loved one, their own emotional, and often physical, health is likely to be compromised.”*** As Step 1 states: our lives become unmanageable. One thing to recognize is that no one – not even the addict – can control the addiction. It’s cunning, baffling, and powerful. This is what we mean when we talk about the insanity of the disease, the addict will pick up even when he knows what will happen when he has that first hit, and we will try “just one more time” to make him stop. It also helps to remember that none of us make changes in our lives until we’re ready, until we want it bad enough. While it can be frustrating and heartbreaking to watch our loved one suffer, the reality is nothing will change until he wants to change. The NarAnon Little blue book says: “With the understanding that addiction is a disease, and the realization that we are powerless over it, as well as over other people’s lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own. Then, and only then, can we be of any help to others.”^ One member used the idea of a hula hoop to help her remember what she can and cannot control. She explained that she pictures herself standing inside of a hula hoop and tells herself that whatever is outside of that hula hoop is out of her control. But what is inside it – herself – she can control. Her thinking, attitudes, and responses are all within the realm of her control. Some ways to practice letting go of control are using slogans such as “Let Go and Let God,” “Live and Let Live,” practicing loving detachment, and trusting that our loved one’s Higher Power will help him just as our Higher Power helps us. As we talk with others who understand in spaces such as Al-Anon and NarAnon Family Groups, we begin to see that our own lives have value, and that we can have peace-filled, hopeful, and happy lives whether the addict is still using or not. Letting go of our need to control is a challenging but possible process! There are many of us who walk this road together. You are not alone. ~ Amy Lauber *, ** From How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics, copyright 2008 by Al Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Reprinted by permission of Al Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., page 17, page 7 ***From Addict in the Family, copyright 2003 by Hazelden Foundation, page 81 ^From NarAnon Little Blue Book, copyright 2021 by Nar-Anon Family Group Headquarters, page 3, 14 |
| QUOTES: “Ourselves we can change; others we can only love.” ~ NarAnon Little Blue Book, page 14 “You cannot control the behaviour of others, but you can always choose how you respond to it.” ~Roy T. Bennett “Trying to control someone else’s life makes my life unmanageable.” ~ J.S. “We should have much peace if we would not busy ourselves with the sayings and doings of others.” ~ Thomas a Kempis “If it’s out of your hands, it deserves freedom from your mind too.” ~ Ivan Nuru “Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace.” ~ Dalai Lama |
Past Articles
We Didn’t Cause It
This month we’re focusing on the point that we didn’t cause the addiction.
The 3 C’s of Addiction
The reality is there is no cure for addiction. It can be put into remission…