Over this past year, our newsletters have focused on the family disease of addiction and explored topics such as the ways we are affected by the disease, how we can take care of ourselves, what supporting rather than enabling our loved one looks like, and the difference between caregiving and caretaking. The next 2 issues will introduce the topic of boundaries.

There have been many books written about boundary setting and a quick internet search brings up a multitude of resources. So, the following is simply an overview. I’ve listed several resources at the end of the article that I encourage you to look into for more information.

Let’s start off with some definitions. Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend wrote a very helpful book entitled “Boundaries.” Here’s how they describe boundaries:

“Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries. Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t.”^   

As well, Melody Beattie has written several books on co-dependency and includes the topic of boundaries. She says, “The purpose {of boundaries} is to gain enough security and sense of self to get close to others without the threat of losing ourselves, smothering them, trespassing, or being invaded. Boundaries are the key to loving relationships.” ^^

Why do I need boundaries?

• to help keep me safe physically, emotionally, and mentally
• to allow me to live my life the way I want to live it
• to help me in my effort to shift the focus off my loved on and onto myself
• to not only keep the “bad” out but keep the “good” in
• to allow me to create some limits for situations that can quickly become out of control and help me to see I have choices

“…defining our personal limits…involves determining for ourselves what we will and will not do or accept. It can be as simple as setting our bedtime at 10pm or as difficult as deciding not to tolerate any more verbal abuse. Such limits help us to know in advance what our options are and how we feel about them so that, when faced with a stressful situation where we may not be thinking clearly, we will have some idea of what is in our best interest.” *

Questions I can ask myself when setting a boundary:

• can I live with this and still maintain my own peace and well-being?
• what do I want my living space to be like?
• how do I want to use my time, my finances, my energy?
• what needs to change so I can take care of my own responsibilities and needs?
• why do I feel I need this boundary?

Remember there are no right or wrong boundaries. Each person needs to decide for themselves what they can or cannot live with, and what works for one person doesn’t work for another. This is where having a support group of likeminded people is very helpful. We can hear other people’s stories which introduce us to new ideas we can try, and in sharing with others, we can get feedback and perspective.

We are on a journey of beginning to understand what is our responsibility and what isn’t, growing into a more healthy sense of self where we can identify what is acceptable to us and what isn’t. We’re gaining a new perspective on what we believe we need and deserve and learning that we have a right to take care of ourselves and to be our true selves. Learning to have boundaries is a key part of this journey.  

In our next newsletter we will explore ways to set a boundary and how to enforce those boundaries.

~ Amy Lauber

^ From: Boundaries, copyright 1992, 2017 by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend page 27 

^^From: Beyond Codependency, copyright 1989 by the Hazelden Foundation, page 173 

*From: How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics, copyright 2008 by Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Reprinted by permission of Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., page 90 

Helpful resources:

Books by Melody Beattie: Language of Letting Go, Beyond Codependency (chapter 15), The New Codependency (pages 24-39)

Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend

drcloud.com

How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics (chapters 11 &12)

* & ** How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics, copyright 2008, by Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Reprinted by permission of Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., pages 102, 103