The 3 C’s of Addiction

May 6, 2026

One of the first things we hear in family recovery is that we are powerless over addiction. This can be summed up in the 3 C’s: we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we can’t cure it.

Understanding this can bring us much relief; relief from the weight of responsibility and guilt that somehow I played a role in causing my loved one to become addicted to substances. Guilt tells us, “if only I had….” (been a better son/wife/parent, done or said this or that, been more aware, etc), my loved one wouldn’t have turned to substances in the first place or continued to use them. When we can accept that addiction is an illness, then we can see that our actions or inactions didn’t cause the addict to use substances any more than what we said or did would have caused our loved ones to have diabetes.

“Active alcoholics are people who drink. They don’t drink because of you or me, but because they are alcoholics. Not matter what I do, I will not change this fact, not with guilt, shouting, begging, distracting, hiding money or bottles or keys, lying, threatening, or reasoning. I didn’t cause alcoholism. I can’t control it. And I can’t cure it. I can continue to struggle and lose. Or I can accept that I am powerless over alcohol and alcoholism and let Al-Anon help me to redirect the energy I’ve spent on fighting this disease into recovering from its effects.” Courage to Change pg 74

Even if we can accept that we didn’t cause the addiction, we can still feel that we are somehow responsible, so we try to control the drinking or drug use. However, we can’t make anyone to do anything. The only person we have control over is ourselves. So, we need to start putting our energy towards helping ourselves to learn new and healthier ways to cope and live.

The reality is there is no cure for addiction. It can be put into remission but never fully cured. This means that the responsibility for arresting the disease is the addict’s alone. When he has a desire to stop using, he needs to make the decision to get help from people who have experienced addiction and can show him the way out. While we can support our loved one’s decision to get help, our real job is to get help for ourselves and start to live healthier lives. “I don’t have to search for the magic cure that isn’t there. Instead I can use my energy for my recovery.” Hope For Today pg 7

One of my favourite authors on the topic of recovery for families is Beverly Conyers. In her book “Addict in the Family” she gives us some hope, “Studies have shown time and again that addicts who feel connected to a family that supports their recovery (even if that family is just one person) have a better chance of staying clean than those who believe that no one cares. However, there is a catch. The families themselves must be healthy if they hope to have a positive influence on their loved one.”

Seeing addiction as a disease helps me to gain some compassion for my loved one, which in turn, allows me to detach from his struggles and love him as a fellow human being. All of this takes time and practice, which is why connecting with peer support groups like Al-Anon Family Groups is invaluable. These spaces give us a forum to share our feelings, and to hear how other people navigate their loved one’s addiction. For more information about these groups, see the links below.

~ Amy Lauber

Quotes

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

“With this First Step, we admit that we did not cause, cannot control, and cannot cure the alcoholic, the disease of alcoholism, or the fact that we have been affected by this disease.”
~How Al-Anon Works pg 46

“I first learned that I was not responsible for the alcoholic’s drinking or sobriety. I could not stop it, start it, cure it, destroy it, or fix it. I was not in control of his situation at all. I could only control my choices.”
~ How Al-Anon Works page 250